I recently assessed a client at work that inspired me to blog today. This client, lets call her Jane, was stuck in the past. She was so obsessed over what her kids did wrong that she could not see what they were doing right. Jane was upset that her kids were not going to pitch in money to get her the apartment she wanted. She vented about her feelings with me, rightfully. However, when Jane's daughter notified her that the kids would pitch in and get her the apartment, rather than being happy and grateful, she was angrier. She continued to be mean to her daughter, yelling at her for playing with her emotions. Jane could not understand when I told her that she should process her feelings of anger but then accept what had occurred and be grateful for getting what she wanted. Jane thought this was an unusual way of thinking and wanted to just be stuck in the past. Jane is so stuck in the past that she is obsessed with being angry at everyone. Of course, Jane has a personality disorder, mostly with narcissistic traits, but many people present with this way of thinking.
In brief, acknowledge your feelings whether it is anger or sadness, then accept what has occurred, and be grateful if something good comes your way. You will miss out enjoying the new, positive experiences if you are obsessed with being angry or upset. Get out of the pity party, victim mode and move on to being a positive, happy, survivor. It's all about how you reframe you situation.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Planning
"We think we make plans but God is the final planner," is what a friend said this weekend to me when talking about life difficulties. I had to take a moment and let this statement sink in. It summarized what I have always known into a succinct statement. I just realized that I need to accept life's difficulties for what they are and work towards improving the situation. I posted that quotation on Facebook and a friend added to it saying "and God is the best planner."
Even if you don't believe in God, you can just replace God with destiny. It helps in accepting life's difficulties.
Even if you don't believe in God, you can just replace God with destiny. It helps in accepting life's difficulties.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Let it go
If I could give everyone one piece of advice, it would be to Let It Go!
This concept sounds so simple but it isn't. I don't mean to ignore what is happening. If you just ignored an issue, it would eventually come up with more emotion. What I mean is to process what is happening and then move on, let it go.
Lets start with this idea of processing. For example, lets say you get in a conflict or you get rejected by someone you care about, you need to allow yourself to experience whatever natural emotions are related to it. Allow yourself to be angry and allow yourself to experience sadness. It is okay to dwell on it for a day or two. You need to truly allow yourself to experience the emotion as it happens. Don't ignore what you are feeling. PROCESS, PROCESS, PROCESS.
Just recently I was angry about a few changes in my life. Changes that I didn't really expect. I dwelled on it for a few days and I allowed myself to be angry but then I realized, it's time to LET IT GO and start making the adjustments I need to make for a better future with the changes.
Let it go means to stop focusing on what has occurred but rather move forward. Consciously say to yourself, "I am going to let this go and move on."
Some caution to this concept though. When experiencing a death of a loved one, you need to allow yourself a little longer to grieve. You need to go through the normal emotions of grief such as denial, anger, sadness, acceptance, etc. You need to allow yourself to really experience each emotion. Try your best to not bottle up those emotions. Let yourself grieve. Soon after though, you need to enter back into your daily routine. Loss isn't as easy as day to day changes and problems. It takes time to deal with loss. Entering back into your normal routine will also allow you some distraction. The pain decreases with each passing day, I promise. But you will always miss your loved one.
Remember these 2 key concepts: Process your emotions and then LET IT GO.
This concept sounds so simple but it isn't. I don't mean to ignore what is happening. If you just ignored an issue, it would eventually come up with more emotion. What I mean is to process what is happening and then move on, let it go.
Lets start with this idea of processing. For example, lets say you get in a conflict or you get rejected by someone you care about, you need to allow yourself to experience whatever natural emotions are related to it. Allow yourself to be angry and allow yourself to experience sadness. It is okay to dwell on it for a day or two. You need to truly allow yourself to experience the emotion as it happens. Don't ignore what you are feeling. PROCESS, PROCESS, PROCESS.
Just recently I was angry about a few changes in my life. Changes that I didn't really expect. I dwelled on it for a few days and I allowed myself to be angry but then I realized, it's time to LET IT GO and start making the adjustments I need to make for a better future with the changes.
Let it go means to stop focusing on what has occurred but rather move forward. Consciously say to yourself, "I am going to let this go and move on."
Some caution to this concept though. When experiencing a death of a loved one, you need to allow yourself a little longer to grieve. You need to go through the normal emotions of grief such as denial, anger, sadness, acceptance, etc. You need to allow yourself to really experience each emotion. Try your best to not bottle up those emotions. Let yourself grieve. Soon after though, you need to enter back into your daily routine. Loss isn't as easy as day to day changes and problems. It takes time to deal with loss. Entering back into your normal routine will also allow you some distraction. The pain decreases with each passing day, I promise. But you will always miss your loved one.
Remember these 2 key concepts: Process your emotions and then LET IT GO.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Making Change
As humans we are always trying to make some form of change. Whether it's trying to lose weight, quit smoking, quit gambling, or any other "problems" (or what we consider our problems) there are always challenges. The hardest part of change is overcoming the challenges and ACTUALLY changing.
How many times have you tried to lose weight but were unsuccessful? Or tried to quit a bad habit and got so close to quitting but ended up giving up?
All of us have our struggles in change but there is something you can do to try to become more successful in your path to change next time: Closely examine your motivation versus the challenges.
What I mean by that is to truly change (or change temporarily) your motivation needs to outweigh the challenges/cons of change. To do this, I would recommend making 2 columns. In the first column write down all the challenges/cons to changing. For example, if you were trying to quit smoking, a con may be losing a part of your social life because some of your friends smoke. Or having more stress if you stopped because smoking is oftentimes used as a method to relax. Another challenge would be to have to find alternative methods to relax.
After you complete this column, move onto the second column. In this column write down all the pros to making the change. Lets stick with the smoking example. Some pros may include: healthier lungs, longer life, no bad breath, no odor of smoking, etc.
Then look at the pros and cons. Chances are the pros outweigh the cons (why else would you want to change?). Ask yourself some thought provoking questions for example if you made the change, would you really miss the items in the "cons" column? The point of this activity is to get your motivation to outweigh the challenges.
Change is going to be an ongoing topic here because life is about changing and improving ourselves. Will write more later and in the meantime, start writing down what you want to change and try the pros/cons activity. Good luck! :)
How many times have you tried to lose weight but were unsuccessful? Or tried to quit a bad habit and got so close to quitting but ended up giving up?
All of us have our struggles in change but there is something you can do to try to become more successful in your path to change next time: Closely examine your motivation versus the challenges.
What I mean by that is to truly change (or change temporarily) your motivation needs to outweigh the challenges/cons of change. To do this, I would recommend making 2 columns. In the first column write down all the challenges/cons to changing. For example, if you were trying to quit smoking, a con may be losing a part of your social life because some of your friends smoke. Or having more stress if you stopped because smoking is oftentimes used as a method to relax. Another challenge would be to have to find alternative methods to relax.
After you complete this column, move onto the second column. In this column write down all the pros to making the change. Lets stick with the smoking example. Some pros may include: healthier lungs, longer life, no bad breath, no odor of smoking, etc.
Then look at the pros and cons. Chances are the pros outweigh the cons (why else would you want to change?). Ask yourself some thought provoking questions for example if you made the change, would you really miss the items in the "cons" column? The point of this activity is to get your motivation to outweigh the challenges.
Change is going to be an ongoing topic here because life is about changing and improving ourselves. Will write more later and in the meantime, start writing down what you want to change and try the pros/cons activity. Good luck! :)
A little about me and my goals
Hi, I'm Nadia Shah (Malik is my husband's last name and hopefully if I get around to it, my future last name). I want to start off by telling you a little about myself. I have my Masters in Social Work from CSULB. My focus was on older adults and families. I am currently working toward my license in clinical social work (about a year more to go!).
I work for Older Adult Services, an Orange County Behavioral Health Services program. I'm a clinical social worker there working with clients who are typically over 60 years old, have a mental illness, and some kind of impairment. I absolutely love what I do (assessment, diagnosis, therapy, crisis work, case management). Over the short while I have worked there, I have met people from all different backgrounds, races, religions, and I have seen things that I could never imagine existed.
Throughout my life and even more recently, I feel like I need to do more to help people. I have this constant feeling inside of me that tells me that I am never doing enough. I plan on using this blog to figure out my own personal goals and how I can play a positive role in improving others' lives. I would absolutely love to hear your thoughts and feedback!
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